Celinasjourney

Sorry in advance for any mistakes I wrote this in one go.

(Written Sep. 5, – however this thought has been in my head years before I decided to write it, since middle school.)

There was a time when I was younger, when I used to have sleep paralysis everyday. EVERY. SINGLE DAY. Sometimes they consisted of horror mini games. Like racing on bikes around giants. Or just being in the scariest environment you could imagine. When it wasn’t a game or in the same layout as one. It was the same scenario I would experience. Something in my room would scare me to death, and i would fly down my whole flight of stairs. That’s how bad I would get scared. It would scare me even more when my mother wasn’t downstairs or when i was alone in the house . Remember it’s a lucid dream so it’s very immersive. Sound and all. Sometimes she would be there but it was still a nightmare. My brother and sister who also slept upstairs were never there. For some reason I was exactly afraid to go to sleep, not until it was actually time. But if u thought about it during the day i would be indifferent about going to sleep. Even though i would probably have sleep paralysis again. I never went to sleep until my sister and brother came to bed too. I was much younger so they’re bedtime was an hour longer than mine. And an hour and a half on weekends. I wouldn’t sleep till they came upstairs, I felt safer when they were with me. So can you imagine what it was like when they went to sleep away camp? How my sleep paralysis went was that i couldn’t wake up from my dreams. Or more like I couldn’t open my eyes or move. Of course i already knew i was dreaming but that didnt matter, it was all a lucid dream. How i would normally force myself to wake up was by forcibly jerking myself up. Sometimes it worked. One of my worst moments was when it was clearly morning and I could hear my sister getting ready for school. I was having no dream however. But it was definitely paralysis. This was the only time it was simply paralysis for me. I tried to open my eyes but they couldn’t open. I was surprised and had to do my jerking method. It worked. I was young and genuinely believed that my top and bottom eyelashes had to be stuck together. I was convinced of that after i had closed them to blink before and had to open them kind of forcibly. As if my eyelashes got stuck together. One time i was having a nightmare, which consisted of sleep paralysis + lucid dreaming and at the same time i was dreaming the nightmare, the same witch touched my foot in real life the same way. When i jerked myself out of my sleep paralysis it was dark and my sister was snoring. I never slept with my feet out of the covers again, nor so close to the end of my bed. 

Just know that i wasn’t always successful at jerking myself awake. These were the worst parts. I would be trapped in a lucid nightmare, and this was when i could normally only get my eyes open. Obviously i’m trying as desperately as i could to get out of that. This would be when i can move my body. My eyes are open but things are so very hazy, even if its dark. It would be so hard to breathe and i would ‘yell’ to my sister, and brother, even though my brother wouldn’t hear me. I would hear myself but my voice wouldn’t rise higher than a whisper, even though i was trying my hardest. These were the worst and hardest to deal with. It was suffocating. When i do eventually come undone, my voice would also shift mid speech and rise to its normal tones. I would then ask to sleep with my sister. I would never have nightmares with her. Also thunderstorms were just a hard night waiting to happen for me, so i would also sleep with my sister then. 

But despite all that, i want to tell you how it all ended. Even when writing it, just MENTIONING or RECALLING it brings tears to my eyes. One day my lucid dream took place in a different place. My kitchen and it was daytime. There was this short jester, kinda looking thing and i think i just knew that they must’ve been behind those minigames and nightmares. Then a sword materializes and floats in the air  and i quickly grab it and stab the short guy, it was the shortest lucid dream ever, and i woke up fine. But what makes me cry is that i literally never had another nightmare, sleep paralysis + horror lucid dream again. And i dont think i acknowledged that part till years later. Like when i reached my double digits.. 

Dont worry though ive only ever had good lucid dreams after that. However i don’t get them so much at 16, its gotten rare since i figured out that i was a maladaptive daydreamer. While lucid dreaming faded, i started daydreaming more at the sane time. However, i really miss lucid dreams. Though immersive Daydreaming or active imagination is also immersive, lucid dreams were on a whole different level. Though thats simply because my mind had nothing else to focus on but that lucid dream. I miss them.

Those lucid dream nightmares were from as young as elementary school it stopped before middle school. Hence, the hurting of the short jester guy.

My realization to this years later. As I try to once again experience lucid dreams. Recently, I have had sleep paralysis, however I had not let it overtake me. I however, would like to start inducing sleep paralysis as I have learned that it is a gateway to lucid dreaming. Im desperate to have those nostalgic dreams again. So after months I turned to my tarot cards and here came all of this insight, I was so reluctant to receive at first. I hope things get better.