Normally when I’m going through something, I look up my experience. My current was “why do peoples voices irritate me…” I came across misphonia which is accurate enough. The little sounds and repetitive noises have the potential to annoy me very much. It’s why I can’t go anywhere without my earbuds which are wireless. I use them to quiet the world around me.
Loud talking would be associated with the consequence of me being conscious of the fact that the ones being loud are black or by the fact that I simply want to be at peace woth the quiet. This mostly occurs on buses. Sometimes I have to use ear buds during test to quirt out the repetitive noises or soubds of others oOr else itbwould bother me greatly. My maladaptive daydreaming often puts me in real life scenarios based on what Im thinkg about. I often daydream about being deaf and having hearing aids where i can turn the volume up and/or down.
I learned that this misophonia is a conditioned behaviour. And I was surprised, so I looked it up. This is something I taught myself. That these certain sounds would be associated with a consequence by me, so I would then act accordingly. I’m trapping myself.
But I can’t let it bother me, because then it’ll really make me go crazy. I have to uncondition myself. Now that I have pinpointed the problem I must keep telling myself that “Its fine” and that “It doesn’t bother me” because I must uncondition myself. If its something I conditioned myself into doing I should be able to undo it for the time being. I’ll see how it goes, but I can fail or else I’ll feel even more miserable. But I’m really glad that I found the source of part of my problems.
When I came upon a question of creatives and misophonia I came across “leaky sensory gating”, and its no secret to me that I’m a creative. I call myself a writer, I have a vivid imagination, I’m aware of most things mentally wrong with me, I’m aware of how I want to learn, I’m aware of my strengths and know them so much so that I’m sometimes stubborn, I’d never give into peer pressure or not so easily at least, and I have a strong sense of purpose. Even before I knew much about myself I did know I was self-aware. Therefore, I’m a creative. And I’m obsessed with my future.
I’m wondering if this is a new development in my life. I’m sensitive to noise it seems. I went from ENFJ to INFJ. I would rather be alone now and as the months progress I want it so much more so. But I do want to help people. I do want to make signifcant long lasting change in the world. But I just want to be independent, fully dependent on only myself.
To be honest, right now I’m trapped and I constantly want to cease to exist. I feel like I can never have the things that would make me feel better. I’m not cared about enough to be able to know my future either.
When I want to write like this, on a bus for example and I hear annoying loud talking, I couldn’t easily ignore it if I tried. If I’m able to turn on drowning music I cant, because if its black people, I’ll be to concered with what they are saying and the volume. I want to uphold our image you see. And I might have to step in. It only happened twice. Once with a group and once with an individual. I get very conscious over them and I think it adds to my stress.
Celinasjourney 